Proof That Reality Punctures The Perfection

As if I needed proof that reality always punctures the fantasy bubble of perfection (see “Revolutionary Relationships”), my daughter’s father, Josh, called last night to tell me that his live-in girlfriend of 18 months is moving out this weekend.  Their relationship is now over.  I wasn’t even the tiniest bit surprised.  Not that I expected to hear this news, only that these sort of things don’t surprise me in the least.  They are par for the course.

I don’t understand why people assume otherwise.  Why does anyone think that at 30 years of age you could find someone and spend the rest of your life with the same person?  If you die at 60 (which is a relatively young age to die), you would spend your entire life up to that point with the same person.  Can you imagine that?  I can’t.  To me, it’s absolutely mind-boggling.

That’s not to say it’s impossible, but I’m coming from the perspective that I will spend the rest of my life growing, changing, evolving, and transforming.  I thrive on creativity, change, adventure, and challenge.  If I’m not being challenged in some way, I begin to feel like my life is contracting, like my neural pathways are hardening, like I’m slowly dying. 

However, I also recognize the necessity of commitment, focus, and discipline.  There is a huge difference between “creating drama” because one is bored (I admit I’ve done this — though it’s not something I’m proud of), or running away from difficulties because one has no backbone.  As opposed to making a conscious choice to face obstacles such as fear because your heart calls you to pursue something that makes you feel fully alive. 

In other words, I’m not suggesting that a person shouldn’t commit themselves.  What I mean is that choices should be conscious and heart-felt.  I am choosing to stay in my job for another 5 months because I see it is a way to accomplish my goals for the latter 7 months of the year.  But I wouldn’t stay in this job out of fear.  My choices are conscious and I must be focused, disciplined, and committed in order to achieve my goals.  Being disciplined and committed gives me the freedom to follow my heart.  The two seem to go hand-in-hand. 

Applying this idea to relationships, it’s a bit of a paradox that I don’t expect to meet someone that I will spend the rest of my life with (he would have to be absolutely extraordinary to keep me interested for the rest of my life), and yet at the same time, I’m fully capable of committing myself and I wouldn’t run from a relationship just because there were problems. 

I would be committed to finding solutions.  But it does require that both people are committed to solving problems.  I’ve been in relationships where the other person wasn’t growing, wasn’t willing to look at himself honestly, and after 4.5 years, it became clear that I was wasting my time with him, so I had to move on.  Even when I saw him 3 years later, he had deteriorated even further into his negative patterns. 

I suppose it’s a fine line and I’m not sure where one draws that line.  That’s why I think a possible solution might be to open up the way we view relationships.  People are still making decisions based on old, out-dated belief systems.  I’ve given up on those old belief systems because I’ve never found them to work.